- decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
- One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.
- When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
- I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.
- sometimes, not remembering mey be the better.
- X says my computer just beat me at chess…but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
- X is color blind and trying to solve a rubiks cube… This could take a while.
- X is the girl next door…if you live next door to a whore house.
- What is fat, ginger and pregnant? Nothing..
- slept like a baby last night…. Waking up every 3 hours crying for food.
- wanted to kill the sexiest person alive…But suicide’s a crime.
- X is proud of herself. She finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
- People say that love is in every corner……gosh! maybe i’m moving in circles..
- Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting when somebody across the table is reading it?
- Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
- WARNING: Objects in mirror are fatter than they appear.
- ║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║█║▌│║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║ *ZAP* *BEEP* Price: $7.95
- Dear Santa, let me explain…
- I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me. She calls me her sixty second lover.
- My wife said I’m too immature and if I don’t grow up it’s going to erect a barrier between us. Ha ha ha, erect.
- If guys had periods, they’d brag about the size of their tampons.
- Make love, not war. Hell, do both. Get married.
- Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.
- Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.
- Statistically 5/4 of people have trouble with fractions.
- ٩(•̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ ٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃•̃)۶
- _̴ı̴̴̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡*̡̡ ̴̡ı̴̴̡ ̡̡͡|̲̲̲͡͡͡ ̲▫̲͡ ̲̲̲͡͡π̲̲͡͡ ̲̲͡▫̲̲͡͡ ̲|̡̡̡ ̡ ̴̡ı̴̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡
- if only life came with a ◄◄ REW ► PLAY ▌▌PAUSE █▌STOP
- scratch here ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ to reveal today’s status.
- ̿̿̿ ̿’ ̿’̵͇̿̿з=(•̪●)=ε/̵͇̿̿/’̿’̿ ̿ this is a stick-up… give me ALL yo [̲̅$̲̅(̲̅1̲̅)̲̅$̲̅]!
- Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face.
- The only place you find success before work is in the dictionary.
- Boys are like baby diapers when they get to be filled with shit they are thrown to be replaced.
- i’ve yet to meet a woman who got pregnant from swallowing.
- Cut here —————–✄———————-
- Me and my wife are inseparable. Sometimes, it takes three or four people to pull us apart.
- I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.
- People who write diet books live off the fat of the land.
- Dance like no one’s going to put it on YouTube.
- Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
- Best Friends Listen to what you dont say.
- Just wanted to let you know that you are my BFBFF… Best Facebook Friend Forever..
- So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.
- X thinks that Facebook is the compost heap for my brain.
- Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don’t know when.
- You miss 100 percent of the shots u never take.
- Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhhhh its a secret.
- I use to be great at wordplay. Once a pun a time.
- Sometimes? Late at night? I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.
- I guess if you spoke your mind, you’d be speechless, huh?
- X thinks that 100-calorie packs have just enough cookies to piss me off!!
- Alcohol does NOT make you fat…it makes you lean…against tables,chairs,walls, floors and ….Ugly people!!!
- what has two ears and cant hear? —————–.> GRANDPA
- I’m not a racer….But i can fly.
- press the star below and watch it glow
- ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ click star then up arrow to left to reveal status.
- I thinks my neighbor just caught me stealing his Wi-Fi internet.
- Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant.
- X is wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of “liking” my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I’m awesome..
- Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.
- I swear my pillow could be a hairstylist I always wake up with the wierdest hairdos.
- X just received a coupon in the mail: Buy one sock, get one FREE! While socks last.
- X believes that if you tell your boss what you really think of him, the truth will set you free.
- ¡ǝɯıʇ ǝɯɐs ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooqǝɔɐɟ ǝsn puɐ puɐʇspuɐɥ ɐ op ʎןןɐuıɟ uɐɔ
- Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
- oh I’m sorry! i didn’t realise you were giving me a dirty look…i just thought you were ugly like that all the time!!
- wants to merge MySpace, Facebook, YouTube and Twitter and call it: MY FACE YOU TWIT.
- X says don’t look at me in that tone of voice.
- Is anyone going to put anything funny on here?????
- If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
- eat eat and eat….but don’t eat my brain.
- I married my wife for her looks. But not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
- a guy knocked on my door today asking for a donation for the local primary school’s pool. I went away and came back with a cup of water….. Is that wrong?
- ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
- All men are born free and equal. If they go and get married, that’s their own fault.
- too cool for school.
- trying to think of clever things to say after inhaling from a helium balloon.
- the kid next door’s imaginary friend.
- –^v–^v–^v–^v-_____^v–^v–^v– For a second there, I was bored to death.
- definitely not watching what not to wear.
- forcing my dog to learn how to google.
- kissing a girl and may or may not be liking it.
- Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with “according to the prophecy”
- X is Loading ████████████ 99%
- Dont you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
- U have 10 fish, 5 drown, 3 come back to life. How many fish do you have? Stop counting smart one. Fish cant Drown.
- X went to the book store earlier to buy a ‘Where’s Wally’ book. When I got there, I couldn’t find the book anywhere. Well played Wally, well played.
- Hi, my name is Damimeve. The ‘mime’ is silent.
- I’ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming “CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!” when they have nightmares.
- In an interview, “I can multitask housework with facebook!”
- X is coloring on your wall! ((̲̅ ̲̅(̲̅C̲̅r̲̅a̲̅y̲̅o̲̅l̲̲̅̅a̲̅( ̲̅̅((>
- never judges a book by its cover. She uses the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.
- a day late and a dollar short.
- Insert coin to view my status message.
- If somebody offers you a lifetime supply of candy and there is just one piece, don’t eat it: It’s probably poison.
- We have so much in common. You want to travel,I want you to go .
- happy that you finally broke up with that slut. Now I can tell you VIA facebook update that I boinked her.
- seen pictures of you naked on the internet.
- remembers the day when blackberry and apple were just fruit.
- > $20 in my bank acct. Drinks on you home.
- 20/20 hearing!
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